Monday, May 23, 2005

R.I.P. Munchausen!

In Memory of
AKA "Munchausen the Anti-Ideologist"
and "Munchausen By Proxy"

Date of Birth - March 22, 2004
Walla Walla, Washington

Date of Death- - March 27, 2005
Walla Walla, Washington

Memorial Service
Monday, May 23, 2005 at 2:00 P.M.

"Citizen K"


Special Songs
"Wicked Game" - Chris Isaak
"Meaningless" - Pearl Jam

Cremation Under the Direction of
Citizen K's Discount Funeral Home
(Food stamps accepted!)


Read the thread for favorite posts from
Munchausen's entire P-I Blog lifespan!


At 5/23/2005 2:18 PM, Blogger Citizen K said...

A good offense needs to be balanced between the table setters and the finishers behind them in the order. Chez Mariner employs a full waitstaff, but lacks a ravenous glutton who will come into the restauraunt and empty the buffet in one gulp, to carry my metaphor way-too-far. (Actually, if the metaphor were correct, the customer would in fact be consuming the waitstaff. But I don't think the guy who thought up "table setters" to refer to high-OBP guys meant to compare them to food.)
March 22, 2004

How about how slow the team is this year? My gracious - a half-starved Moslem pilgrim crawling to Mecca on his knees could have beaten Olerud from third to home yesterday. And the pathetic throw almost got him! Whewee!
April 7, 2004

Why do you guys want more trades? Haven't you seen what kind of trades Bavasi makes? He needs a backup outfielder - bring in a utility guy! He needs a backup third baseman - bring a utility guy! He needs a backup infielder - keep a Wee utility guy! He needs a long reliever - keep a horrible utility pitcher! Bavasi is trying to assemble the fricking Swiss Army Knife of rosters. Handy in a pinch, but not of any real intimidation factor.
April 10, 2004

As far as the outfield defense: the M's had a rare Golden Opportunity to pick up a missing piece of the outfield puzzle, namely Milton Bradley, but spilled their seed on the freaking ground instead of knocking up Miss Cleveland, (to make a Biblical reference, and if you get that reference, congrats!).
April 16, 2004

Arthur Rhodes looked tough, but if you ever heard him talk, you'll know he had a girlish voice reminiscent of Michael "Young Love" Jackson. It definitely detracts from that rebel image if you sound like Lamb Chop attempting to cover a Wagner soprano aria when you're trying to shout a guy down.
Gaylord Perry was a real outlaw, but he was pretty much old and busted by the time he won ol' 300 with the M's. By that point he probably used the Vaseline to grease up his 'rhoids so they didn't chafe on his BVD Special Extra-High Waist Old Man Briefs.
April 16, 2004

And one of those will be an inside-the-park job versus the Reds, possible only because Griffey will come up quickly to field the routine grounder single, catch his front cleat on a slightly curled blade of grass, and topple to the ground with two broken legs, a snapped hamstring, plantar fascitis and a dreaded high ankle sprain. As Griffey's teammates rush to ignore him writhing in pain in center, A-Rod rushes out as far as second base, pauses, peeks out at Griffey, then turns and races around third to home, scoring the now-we're-only-down-by-six run.
April 19, 2004

Yesterday was perfect - high 70s, slight breeze. We worked out in the yard until it got dark. After listening to the M's suck it up it was therapeutic to spade dirt and yank dandelions until our hands turned the color of Lou Pinella's nicotined fingers.
April 26, 2004

The manager, however, does suck. I must say, though, his uniform is Extra-Clean, and always smells of lavender.
April 27, 2004

The GM would say, "Well, the team's gone 20-55 to start the year, but Charlie had a starter out there every game we played, he put a full nine fielders out on the field, the batters came up to the plate in order, I guess he's good for another three or four years." It assumes that the manager's only function is to field the team. Not true - he has to have some type of strategic plan to maximize his players' potential.
If the players fail to do their job, you couldn't possibly pin it on the manager, since he did his job just
May 5, 2004 10:10 AM

The knock on Benitez is that he's been known to look incredible in the regular season but fade like Will Smith's hairdo circa 1990 in the big (playoff) games.
June 1, 2004 11:47 AM

They won, but once again, no offense to speak of. Radke can be tough on the M's, but hasn't been as dominanat in the latter years. They're really in a funk and need a spark. Or sparks. Or a propane torch.
May 6, 2004

Most teams don't have a good offensive catcher, (the M's have an offensive catcher, Davis, but not in the sense of "offensive" that you'd like it to be)
May 7, 2004

If they cut payroll they'll have to play the guys from AAA. That is, unless...
Bill Bavasi, pink-cheeked with exhiliration about his latest megadeal, steps to the podium.
"Thanks, press corps, for coming to this hastily called conference. The reason is, as many of you may have heard, we just pulled the trigger on our best deal to date. This should improve our club immensely. Now, before I go into the specifics, we feel this trade will reap dividends for our club for years to come. Even more than the Jose Lopez for Arthur Rhodes and Mark McLemore deal we pulled off last week. Amazingly, this deal is bigger than the Joel Pineiro straight up for Jay Buhner pickup, (Jay, by the way, is not only my younger twin brother but, since he's retired, we won't even have to pay him -- Social Security does it!). Yes, we have taken the bull by the horns and decided that we aren't going to be able to re-sign Freddy Garcia after the season, and since he is 2-14, we weren't sure we'd get a good trade partner, (even though he leads the league with a 1.04 ERA). However, we found a taker, and Freddy is on his way to sunny Miami. What's that? No, Jim, not the Marlins. The Ex-Pat Cubans Beisbol League (EPCBL). We dealt him to the Javelinas for their starting shortstop, 77-year-old Jose Sanchez, who, since he has a Latin-sounding name, must be an incredible player. I came to find out about him when I was with the Dodgers. I was going through some old team ledgers and found out that he had a tryout with the club in 1940, but his promising career was cut short by World War II. Literally. His legs were hacked off by a malaria-crazed platoon-mate, but he's had some really nice Endolite Dynamic Response System legs since last year, and they really do great for him. He had 22 homers last season, in only 18 games. Wait, that says 2 'point' 2. Ummm, hey - even better! Oh, as an afterthought, we threw in Bret Boone, because, well, what the hell?"
May 12, 2004

It's really starting to remind me of the pre-2000 clubs. That's really scary. I used to have nightmares about the sixth through ninth innings. They'd be chasing me down, chanting "Jose Mesa Jose Mesa Jose Mesa..."
May 17, 2004

I agree with you on most points. But please stop using the word "paradigm". That's pretentious as hell...
May 21, 2004

Danimal: . . . my kids LOVE to drink you!
May 21, 2004

Do you think the Rangers play a Fleetwood Mac tune when Nix comes up to bat? Just curious...
May 25, 2004

Who's saying Ibanzez should be benched? I've never heard of that kind of nonsense. I think the consensus is that if a better outfielder were inserted into the lineup Raul would move to 1B or DH, assuming the current breadwinners at those positions were not able to fulfill their husbandly duties. (So to speak.)
June 1, 2004

The insult to a person's intelligence is if the only M's news they read is from the Mariners' official site. Their writers (especially Jim Street) are simply tools of the club. If you read the article about Tuiasosopo there, then
yes, they do make his drafting seem like an event on par with Canada landing a man on the moon, or a non-Kenyan winning the NYC Marathon.
June 8, 2004

Mighty impressive, elsid. George must be one of the top relievers at the AAA level in any league this season.
I wish my brother would write in to the graphic designer blogs, touting me: (For anyone who wants to know or cares for that matter, Munchausen just completed two invoices, a poster, and a brochure, and just lowered his typo's rate to one per paragraph! Look for him to move up to a national design firm when they dump their ineffective art director!) Ha!
June 8, 2004

That was me, Munchausen, before I lost 50 pounds (of optimism) on the Howard Lincoln Diet! It was easy! A single for breakfast, a single for lunch, and then a sensible double-play-grounder for dinner. What could be easier or simpler?!
June 10, 2004

"I am very optimistic about next season."
As am I.
(This message brought to you by the Commission for Assuming Bavasi Starts Making Some Great Moves - CABSMSGM)
June 10, 2004

My point was that anyone could misconstrue any statement or honest mistake as being insensitive towards any given racial group. Thanks for letting me know that Melvin saying "cervezas" was offensive to many in the Hispanic community. That just cements in my mind how ridiculous some people can be.
Instead of Boca, it was Leone who was called up after playing a 9-inning AAA game. He comes in and plays 7 strong defensive innings at 3rd base, even getting on base with a walk. After the game, Bob Melvin is asked how he thought Leone would react to being called up. "Well, I hoped he wasn't too far into the beers by that time!" was Melvin's response. Upon hearing this, Shannon Dreyer, Tom Glasgow and Mike Blowers fairly glow with outrage. "How dare he insinuate that all Caucasian players drink beer after each game?!? That's such a stereotype - we are going to the ACLU!!! And he even said "beers", like a white guy would say!! OH MY HEART - I THINK I'M DYING!!!"
"Oh - we have a caller on the line, go ahead." "Thanks, Tom. I can't believe Bob Melvin just said that, guys! How dare he make that bold stereotype of a white guy as a hard-drinking, pool-shooting, tail-chaser? Man - I've never been so offended in all my life!"
Exactly the same scenario as the Boca situation. Isn't that ridiculous?
June 15, 2004

You mean Olivo GENUINELY had kidney stones? No way! That was obviously just a clever ruse by the management to bring up Leone, while still maintaining the facade of not throwing in the towel this season. The White Sox deal was contingent upon Olivo agreeing to play one game, then take a 2-week vacation, (paid for entirely out of Howard Lincoln's pocket). Garcia was in on it, too. If the deal hadn't gone down, it would have been Freddy taking it for the team, allowing Blackley to come up and replace him in the rotation.
Actually, now that I think about it, I think Blackley was in on it, too. He agreed to be incredibly successful in his three starts during Freddy's siesta. That way, when the M's did find a taker for him, it again wouldn't seem like they were pulling the plug on this season.
Well, I think it's working out in the end. Ahh, to be Miguel Oliva right about now. Kicking back on the beach on Moloka'i, sipping a frosty IPA, with dancing lepers entertaining him with half-assed hulas.
July 1, 2004

OK, BoonieFan. I had to do some research on Boone and his newly muscular 2001 version.
First, I looked at photos of Bret from when he was at USC to the present. The photo evidence is spotty at best, since uniforms tend to obscure and distort body shape. There's no telling what he looks like under his uni shirt, so you can't say one way or another via that method. I put four of the most telling picturess together, two from
the Padres and two from the M's. The top two show the difference in his legs, and the bottom two in his arms. You can see them at: (deleted)
As for the other circumstantial evidence, here are quotes from four articles I found that document his sudden change from a merely strong guy to a bulked-up he-man.
From the P-I, 2/20/2001
"Piniella on second baseman Bret Boone's new, chiseled look: "He looks ready for a Tarzan movie."
From the P-I, 2/23/2001
"The Mariners are impressed by the sculpted physique of second baseman Bret Boone, a former Seattle player (1992 and '93) who left San Diego to rejoin the Mariners as a free agent. Upon seeing Boone in the clubhouse the other day, center fielder Mike Cameron said, "What's up, Body By Jake?"
From "Sports Fans of America", 7/8/2002
"Boone, 33, gained 25 pounds before the 2001 season, then had a career-high 37 homers and 141 RBI for the Mariners. His career high in homers had been 24. He denies using steroids, but he didn't condemn them last month during an interview with Playboy. "Who is to say someone's wrong for doing it?" Boone is quoted as saying. "I don't know if they're good or bad. If you abuse anything, there are going to be effects down the road. If steroids are done in moderation, done correctly and safely, it might be an option."
From "Sign On San Diego", 6/22/2003
"A mysterious bone bruise cut short Boone's season with the Padres. The ailment lingered until the spring of 2001, but Boone opened the '01 season with two sturdy knees, a sculpted physique and a slightly shorter batting stroke. The changes elevated Boone from a good regular to one of the majors' most valuable performers"
July 8, 2004

Great metaphor. I'm not sure how Eddie Guardado would like being called a "caboose", (but it's a lot better than comparing the M's to a racehorse, and calling him the "@$$").
July 9, 2004

How about Olivo legging that double into a triple saturday night? When was the last time the word "speed" and "Mariners" were in the same sentence?
Posted by buckyball
I think I heard somebody say a couple weeks ago, "The Mariners look like they need to snort a couple lines of speed."
July 18, 2004

Edgar bear: +! Hideous !+
Why couldn't they have gone the "cuter" route and put a fuzzy bear's head on an Edgar-uniformed doll body? I'd go for one of those - in fact, I did buy an Edgar beanie baby for my daughter last year.
I've always thought the players' visages on bobblehead dolls are kind of eerily misformed, but Edgar's round mug on a bear's body is just plain scary.
How about "Hug Edgar Night"? The first 1,000 kids (or whomever) in attendance get to hug Edgar, and get a free digital 5x7" glossy printout of their experience.
Plus, I think Edgar's too reserved to be compared to a rampaging bear. How about "Edgar Tree Stump Night"? The club gets 25 of the best chainsaw artists from the Pacific Northwest positioned on the walkway around the outside of the stadium, working on Douglas Fir stumps. They carve out Edgar's face and upper torso from each stump during the game, and at the seventh-inning stretch they're auctioned off for charity? (The stumps, not the artists).
What about "Edgar Works The Concession Stand Night"? With Jacobsen DH'ing, Edgar runs the till at one food vendor per inning. No one knows where he'll end up next, so fans congregate around all the food vendors, in the process selling even more food for Safeco Field. Plus, each paying customer gets a custom Edgar napkin, with his autograph on it in ketchup.
Lastly, "Edgar's Your Daddy Night", in which ten lucky fans are called out onto the field at the Stretch. The announcer says, "You ten fans have now been divorced from your families, and are officially being adopted by Edgar and Holli Martinez!" (The crowd cheers, the ten chosen drop to their knees in ecstasy.) There can be a notary public and several witnesses stationed behind the M's clubhouse, to make it all legal. The team even provides new clothes and toiletries for the chosen few, so they can begin their new life that very evening!
These are just a few better promotions I can think of than that horrible bear.
July 23, 2004

I can't even begin to count how many times I've stood up to stretch my back and give my bum a rest from those hard plastic Safeco seats, only to have the rest of the fans around me follow my lead. Somehow the rest of the stadium picks up on it, and voila, it's a wave! All I wanted to do was allow my blood to re-circulate.
July 26, 2004

(Upon Santiago being called up)
All I can say is THANK GOD!
I'm a ground-ball-out aficionado, and Bloomquist just wasn't getting it done for me. That hideous clutch 2-run double yesterday BROKE MY HEART! Santiago is by far my favorite guy to watch at the plate!
July 27, 2004

Today I heard Rizzs say that the Edgar Bear promotion was one of the most eagerly anticipated giveaways in modern history, or some similar hyperbole. Yeah - I'm looking forward to it so I don't have to see that frickin' ad every time I read the Blog.
August 8, 2004

As I always see collusion in situations, I can't resist this one.
Lincoln: "Edgar, we've got a problem."
Edgar: "What's up, Howie?"
Lincoln: "People are not buying tickets to the Edgar Bear game. In fact, ninety percent of our season ticket holders have demanded their money back for that date. No one seems to want to own one of the bears."
Edgar: "But why? They're adorable. My son loves them. My wife loves them. Even Little Joey Cora loves them!"
Lincoln: "There's been a lot of negative feedback among the fan community. As you know, we at the Mariners value feedback more than anything else.
Edgar: "That sucks."
Lincoln: "Yes. Edgar - we need to sell this game out in order to pay you for the rest of the season. If no one comes, the M's bank account will run dry the day before your last paycheck of the year."
Edgar: "Really?"
Lincoln: "Oh, yes. We're almost broke as it is."
Edgar - (starts to sniffle): "That's so sad!"
Lincoln - (pats Edgar's back with his pinky): "There, there."
Edgar - (tears starting): "And no kids will get an adorable Edgar Bear?"
Lincoln - (offers Edgar a used napkin from his pocket): "Nope."
Edgar - (fully sobbing at this point): "I've got to do something! That's it - I'll retire. That way everyone will come to the game and get a huggable Edgar Bear, since it'll be my last game. I'll make every kid in Seattle happy!

Howard, where's that retirement form I had you store for me? I'm ready to sign."
Lincoln laughs evilly under his breath, reaches inside his sport coat and pulls out the form. "I happen to have one right here!"
Edgar signs, leaves.
Lincoln: "That was a lot easier than getting rid of Olerud!"
August 9, 2004

Carlos Guillen would be on the bench if a swallowtail butterfly were to bump his earlobe.
August 9, 2004

I was hoping he'd tell us that, "Due to overwhelming fan disinterest, the Edgar Bear promotion has been scrapped. Instead the team has replaced it with 'RISPy Business Night' - each time a Mariner makes an unproductive out with a runner in scoring position, Bob Melvin has to come out on the field and do a dance in his boxers. A sure-"fired" hit evening for gay and female fans of all ages!"
August 9, 2004

I really don't feel that fine when that ursus Martinus peers at me. It makes me queasy, like if my younger brother had just clanked me in the 'nads with the yellow Wiffle bat again.
August 9, 2004

Boone's 9mil vests in 450 plate appearances not 500. He presently has 442.
Posted by Suzi
I had a $9 million vest once. Darn thing fell apart in the washer. We were picking tiny diamonds out of our towels for months.
August 10, 2004

Comments: Sasaki to retire?
How long before Logan Summers blames this on Lincoln, Bavasi, Melvin and Newberg?
August 11, 2004

Has anyone checked Ichiro for Birkenstocks? I'm sure he's using corked shoes!
August 12, 2004

I don't agree about the "stench and gloomy aura" in the M's locker room. (Well, in a figurative sense. In a literal sense you may be right)
August 20, 2004

Lopez came up with a big clutch hit last night. He shows balls for a young player. Speaking of that, does anyone else notice that Olivo is incessantly adjusting his cup? I'm not gay or anything, but I can't help but notice that every fifteen seconds or so, there he is rooting around down there like a monkey in the zoo.
August 25, 2004

Sorry about the double post. I had a Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf facial twitch in my left-click finger just then.
August 26, 2004

I, for one, am going out on Monday afternoon to get the Madritsch artwork on my version of Steve Grogan's most outstanding feature. I've been feeling a strange soreness in my rotator cuff when I'm tossing a stick for my dog to fetch. I think the M's medical staff screwed me over on it: Last year when I went to my last M's game I got hit in the head by a foul ball, and the usher who came to check me out failed to diagnose my internal shoulder injury. Damn those M's doctors! I could have been the best wheat farmer in Walla Walla, but without the ability to sow wheat with by hand I'm useless. Fire Newberg! Fire Griffin!
August 28, 2004

I think Lincoln would actually be scared of Delgado should they meet face to face - a big dark foreigner who doesn't support America's questionable actions? Must be a terrorist! We can't sign him - having him on the club might dissuade old Grandma Nellie from buying that 20 game plan she's been looking at!
September 1, 2004

And after reading the last couple days' worth of posts (getting fewer all the time) I can say only this: Any ass talk that isn't referencing Howard Lincoln doesn't belong here. Politics is one thing, as the P-I actually kind of linked it with the Mariners, but I don't recall Levesque ever writing "The M's Favorite Ass Shapes", or Thiel's three-part exposé entitled "Rating The Mariner Wives' Posteriors - From Suzi Boone to Holli Martinez". So let's keep any tush talk off here, OK?
September 19, 2004

Wouldn't it be great to rename a town Denzel, Washington? Say, Ellensburg, for instance. That would be a cool burg if it were named Denzel instead, I'd bet.
For instance, this sounds better...:
"Mother of me - to whence goest thou?"
"Mine only son - forsooth I direct my carriage toward Denzel, to attain for me both nourishment and a soothed fundament."
...than this:
"Where you goin', Ma?"
"I'm goin' downa Ellensburg to get me some Curly Fries and some Anusol."
GO M's.
September 23, 2004

The Washington team should be the Cherry Blossoms. (No, wait - this isn't Japan - no silly names...) OK, then, how about the Plumbers? - (or is that a pipe dream?) How about the Judges? - (some of them would get more bench time than others.) Nope, gotta be the Privateers - (their logo? A Skull & Bones, naturally.) This is it: the Politicians. That just seems to fit.

Motto for the Washington Plumbers: "We get rid of the crack in your pipes". (Bench coach: Marion Berry.)

This just in - Berry's been demoted - to Hitting coach.
September 30, 2004

Coming off 'roids isn't a summer day at Lincoln City.
October 5, 2004

I have noticed, also, that the minimum $30+ million available to sign free agents has already shrunk to $20 million. Not a good sign! M's must have Arthur Andersen doing their accounting or something... If this continues, I'm sure by November they'll somehow finagle Sasaki's salary back onto the books and claim they can only sign one "impact" free agent - the hulkingly dangerous Omar Vizquel.
October 6, 2004

You know, I wonder if he hasn't already bowed out... There're so many games he's called on tape, I bet a clever audio person could splice together many lines from the archives that could be played at opportune moments. Kind of like a "virtual Dave". That would explain him misidentifying players as often as he does - the audio guy just
didn't get the right proper noun spliced in quickly enough. They'll have it all computerized soon, so that someday our great-grandchildren can listen to Niehaus make his "My oh my" call and it'll sound just like it did 90 years ago, back in the good old days. They'll probably even get an animatronic robot to stand in for him, so that people
who peer into the broadcast booth won't be put off by seeing Red's great-great-great grandson, Ron "The Don" Fairley VI, talking to himself.
October 7, 2004

I think everyone could use an animatronic Griffey in their everyday lives. ("Ken, take out the garbage." "Yes, sir."; "Ken, put the kids to bed." "Yes, sir."; "Ken, score from first on a double to left." "Yes sir... Aaaaaggggh, my steel hamstring snapped!"
October 7, 2004

Glaus is high on my list of guys to sign.
(Elsewhere, he's much more sober.)
October 8, 2004

Curt Shilling ("Shirt Killing", as I call him) pretty much said in last night's postgame interview that God helped him win last night's game. He said that he tried to do it himself in the first game, and the results spoke for themselves. In game six he did what God apparently wanted him to do, with great success.
My question: Is God really a Sox fan as Shirt would have us believe, or was last night's Sox win just a cruel demonic joke intended to shake Shilling's faith when (if) the Yanks win today?
Stay tuned...
October 20, 2004

I think cheating is pretty much tacitly accepted in MLB, unless it's blatantly obvious, such as A-Rod. Perry wasn't overtly digging a K-Y tube out of his jock, liberally coating the ball, then holding it up to admire it in the glare of the Kingdome's blinding lighting -- he was on the down-low about it. Likewise, corking bats is relatively covert, as is Booneing up on 'roids.
Covering up the batter's box lines is pretty obvious, though, and no one seems to get in trouble for that... Also, when Kent Hrbek lifted that guy of first base he wasn't penalized... Hmmm, perhaps I don't have a point after all.
October 20, 2004

If I were Pedro Martinez here's what I'd do: Get my father a plane ticket to New York and a ticket to the game. Then, when the crowd starts their idiotic "Who's your daddy!" chant, simply point to him in the stands. He'll stand up, smile, wave, then sit down. The Yanks fans would be like "Thanks, that clears THAT up for me."
(Actually, if I were Pedro Martinez, I doubt I'd be clever enough to come up with that plot. I'd be more likely to just let the Yanks score on me at will, as usual.)
October 20, 2004

Griffey Mariners 2005:
Do you have a bot constantly scanning all the topics in this blog, ready to jump in whenever someone mentions "the G word"? I've got to get me one of those, except it'd be calibrated to detect the phrase "unguent". (Why? Because I like that word.)
October 20, 2004

"I think the Lineup of Jerry, Leathers and Danimal would all work"
Perhaps, but what if all three of them were on base at the same time? Would they just have to try and pull off a triple steal just so they could get a batter up to the plate?
October 22, 2004

"Dear Mariners: We here at the P-I blog feel it would be in everyone's best interests if the M's sign Carlos Beltran to a long-term contract. If our demand is not met, we will fill the street in front of the P-I building with naked Mariner fans. No, not attractive, statuesque nudes, such as those enjoyed every day by millions on the internet. Our skinfest will be tinged by overpriced Safeco Field beer guts, surgery scars, pasty Seattle flesh,
cellulite, and the occasional backwoods horse painter. Furthermore, we will erect a podium, on which we will conduct a beauty pageant featuring nude Lou Pinella, Bucky Jacobsen, umpire Eric Gregg, and Wilfred Brimley. You have been warned. Sincerely, Mariners fans."
October 28, 2004

Beltran and Beltre declare free agency, huh? Well, no surprise there. It would have looked pretty darn silly of them if they'd just hung around the clubhouse all winter, living off whatever they could scavenge from the season's last postgame buffet, and clad in any type of rags they could scare up from the desolate locker room.
October 28, 2004

From Larry Stone's article at the Times:
"Mariners general manager Bill Bavasi said he was delighted with Guardado's decision, having sweated out the 24 hours of uncertainty. "We're trying to gather guys with Eddie Guardado's makeup," he said."
I guess it takes only one rookie to lug Eddie's poker chips around, but a team effort is necessary to tranport his collection of cosmetics.
November 3, 2004

"What we don't want: ... a 7-8-9 hole hitter"
Does any team really want a 7-8-9 hole hitter? If I were a GM I'd go with two sets of 1-4 hitters, with a ¾ hole hitter in the middle, just to throw off the opposing manager a bit...
November 11, 2004 thread.
Posted by BoonieFan
Fascinating analysis, BoonieFan.
November 12, 2004

"Gaylord was a greasy cheater."
That's interesting. Now he works at Wal•Mart as a cheesy greeter.
November 17, 2004

"Shin-Soo Choo has gotta be the coolest name in baseball."
Nope. That would be Jeff Liquidnitrogen of the Braves.
November 19, 2004

Nothing special except it was a game-worn, hand-scrawled Ichiro jersey. If I was rich I'd buy that jersey, then give it to the needy because I'd be so ashamed of how much I'd paid for it. Wait - I'm the needy - perhaps that lady would like to donate the jersey to me, just to make herself feel like a decent human being again.
November 19, 2004

"Do you remember the balls Glaus crushed at Safeco at the beginning of last season?"
Remember them? Heck - I can still feel the sharp pain perforating my groin as if it were only yesterday...
December 1, 2004

Arthur Rhodes traded again - this time to Cleveland. I'll bet that was the place he wanted to go originally, but the trade was held up until Vizquel signed with the Giants. Sources say Rhodes was "terrified" of facing Little O in the clubhouse and having him rip out Rhodes' nipple rings in a fit of glistening-diamond-induced rage.
December 11, 2004

(To Oakland A's Dynasty)
That username has got to be ironic. The only dynasty the A's could lay claim to is the Yankees' Bitch Dynasty.
December 12, 2004

(Side note: I got my wireless network going yesterday, so I now can post from the bathroom! Anyone who thinks my opinions stink may now have somewhat of a point. ;-) )
December 14, 2004

Bill Bavasi -- re-sign Aaron Sele and this will be the best Christmas ever! ;-)
December 17, 2004 (was sarcastic)

It's no use arguing with the A's "fans". They're just here to cause trouble, so if we don't respond hopefully they will ditch this blog and return to their EverQuest game (where I heard "Oakland A's Dynasty" just got cyber-laid for the first time! Go Dynasty - you da Man!).
December 27, 2004

And we all know that fan polls are an EXCELLENT method of determining how good a players is...
January 4, 2005

Darn you, Intermission, with your craftily tempting lyrical quizzes. Please don't make me come over there and smash your keyboard, and, hey - what's that you say? "International incomes so we're in the suite / Watchin Ichiro hittin runs life is sweet / I take it back where I'm from / Knowledge rules supreme over nearly everyone." Well, as I was saying, musical quizzes don't belong on this blog...
January 4, 2005

With Olivo behind the plate, the only impact Nelson would bring to the M's would be the impact of his
uncontrollable sliders denting the front of the VIP seats.
January 14, 2005

"I am fully on board the cannabis sativa bandwagon"
Isn't he that Thai pitcher the M's international scouts picked up? I hope he sticks, though I've heard he's still a little green. Right now, he has a tendency to really get lit up -- seems to give up way too many hits, so he's been relegated to the dugout. But with Price and Chavez working to cure him in Arizona he'll be ready to smoke
some batters.
January 17, 2005

I don't know, Suzi, to put it bluntly, Canadian pitchers always seem to stink up the joint. Like the ex-Mariner Zimerman, many of them develop chronic injuries.
January 17, 2005

(About Sele)
He surfed the M's 2001 pitcher-skills-enhancing wave to his best entire year since his rookie season, but since then he has steadily sunk further into the brine. Last season batters hit .310 against him! His ERA is nearing the
highwater mark, but has not yet crested. Tell me, in what role would a pitcher be even remotely effective with those numbers?
I say leave Sele to be rescued by some other lifeguard. Perhaps Leo Mazzone or some other PC could perform the needed mouth-to-mouth. No way do I want to see Sele tanning on the M's beach towel in 2005.
January 19, 2005

I've said it before... Look on the gloomy side of life and you'll never be disappointed by anything that occurs. If things go bad, you can say, "I knew it would happen!", gloat, and revel in your unhappiness. Being right builds your self-esteem, it helps you get through the day. If things suprisingly go for the positive instead, don't despair! You can still make something up to be angry
about: Cogitate on that obscure trade rumor you heard a few weeks ago - think about how you would have felt, had it actually gone through. Imagine that those emotions are what you are actually feeling. Soon, you'll be down in the dumps again, and never feeling better.
Who cares that the trade never went down or that the rumormonger was a pimplyfaced basement blogger in suburban Chicago? It was real to you, so therefore it happened, and you have every right to feel angry at the Mariners for putting you through this ordeal. I mean, how could they?
So in conclusion, I have read some pretty good knocks on this type of fan, (see Fascist Dictator's January 23, 2005 01:56 PM post), but none have really tried to explain the essence of his/her existence: Feeling bad makes you feel good.
January 25, 2005

Guys are more cautions to run on the Spiro, Oklahoma native because they know they'll score on a long ball anyway.
January 28, 2005

""Yuniesky is an athletic, offensive shortstop," Bavasi said"
Offensive, how? Bodily aroma? Language? Gestures? What?
January 26, 2005

These Twin Cuties are Yankee Fans.
Suzi and BooneFan?
Posted by Twins Cuties
The Olesen twins are not attractive at all. They were "cute" whey they were babies on Full House, but as adults they certainly have lost that designation. I don't know what the big deal is.
Plus, they're young enough to be Jeff Nelson's offspring. Imagine him trying to throw a rock to your left as a warning to "stay away from [his] daughters"; Unfortunately, he uses his slider grip. What should have been a harmless chuck two or three feet away from you is instead headed straight toward you...
Whew, ten inches outside your right foot! You're safe to take out Mary Kate and Ashely, if you're nimble enough to elude yet another rock hurl;ed at you by Dad Nelson. His "pickoff throw" is way right, snapping out his front-yard lightpost. The yard darkens, allowing you to peel away with the Olesen twins sharing your Trans Am's bucket passenger seat, (with plenty of room to spare! Even with their wallets taking up almost a third of the room on the cushion, each!)
Now you're livin' la vida loca with the former Tanner babies, while their dad is in Arizona trying to make the club yet again. He's hoping for another payday, since the girls won't give him a monthly stipend, on account of "that ho-liceman moustache", and that "butch 'do [he]'s sportin'".
In conclusion, the Olesen twins are not worth linking to, nor following a link to, especially on the M's blog.

Unless you can tie them in to the topic at hand somehow [as I can.]
January 31, 2005

"probably the two ugliest pitchers ever to take the mound."
There's a 50% chance for that record to be matched every time the Big Unit gets a start.
February 10, 2005

This was the beginning of Munchausen's ideological realization
By the way, I might be changing the manner in which I relate to the Mariners soon.
I'm working on a paper which concerns the philosopher Louis Althusser's views on Ideology,
and how it relates to a specific situation.
I am using Major League Baseball as my example. Just a preview (I'll post the whole thing on our Morsels blog when it's finished):
. . .
The gist of my paper is how MLB is an Ideology that controls how we think and relate to the world, and how that is a negative thing.
I may be taking the game less seriously once this paper is finished. I am learning some important truths about the ways we, as fans, spend our time thinking about things that really don't matter, such as MLB, and ignoring the truly important things in life.
Just a forewarning.
February 14, 2005

By the way, the "island of serenity" is part of the Ideology. We feel all this steroid controversy is real, and actually means something tangible, but as an imaginary construct of the Ideology itself, it genuinely means nothing at all.
Boy is my opinion changing as I think about this subject. I might not even follow the M's any longer by the start of the season...
I'm going to bed.
February 14, 2005

I dont' see that as a bad thing, Munch.
It's not like we are enslaved to baseball. We can turn it off or stop going to the games anytime we want.
Most of us, anyway. I don't really feel like I've got OCD about it.
Posted by Suzi
I'm not saying it affects everyone that way. That's part of what this paper is supposed to be about, how we agree or disagree with the idea of Ideology. But I'd wager the majority of people who consider themselves "true fans" can't live without baseball news or input for more than a day or two without feeling a major part of their life is missing.
February 15, 2005

"...Swarms of bees invaded the field and forced a game between the Colorado Rockies and Arizona Diamondbacks to be called after five innings. 'I guess we've got to call that a 'Bee' game,' Arizona manager Bob Melvin said."
Ha ha ha. Bob made a funny. BWAAAAAH haa haa haaaaaaaa
Posted by PositivePaul®
Hive seen too many games end that way. Insect the box score and you'll notice Arizona waxed Oliver around for three runs in the first. After that inning, though, he didnt allow even one pollen play. I guess they weren't too queen on continuing the game under the circumstances. Drone't you think this has gone on too long? Cell I shut up now? I stingk so, this pupa's gone on long enough.
March 24, 2005

These next two posts mark the end of Munchausen's P-I blogging career. Included before his final post are the posts from previously-respected fellow bloggers that made him realize that he has very little in common with them, as far as things that are actually meaningful in people's lives, and made him ask himself, "Do I really want to spend time with these people?"

Happy Easter, everyone. Remember the real reason for the season - Christ died for you and I, never take your
salvation for granted.
March 26, 2005
Without any statistical evidence i find this whole "died for our sins" business very difficult to believe.
Youre right. Im a bad bad man.
Posted by Leather
I'm very bad, too, then Leather. Not only do I find it hard to believe, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. No religion does as far as I can see. The only begotten son thing - what's the big deal? He can whip out another one anytime he wants. I know millions of women wish they could have gotten off with the "virgin birth" story. I just cannot buy into this fairy tale. I like the Easter bunny better. He's furry and gives out candy.
One more person tells me to have a blessed Easter and I'm gonna hurl. We are not all christians, you know.
Posted by Suzi
Christianity would be a great thing if anyone actually practiced it.
Posted by Suzi
Enough with the religous stuff now. Can't I be an atheist in peace? Why do people keep trying to talk me into their imaginary friends?
Posted by Jerry
Sorry for the offense, Suzi. You must realize that not all Christians are neo-con Bushies whose only goal is to make as much money as they can in the quickest time possible. Some of us actually care about people and strive to make the world a better place...
I apologize for bringing up religion again, and I promise it will not happen any longer on this blog. Just wanted to clear up some things, as some people seem to have a preconceived notion of what a Christian does and does not do.
Have a great Day.
March 27, 2005
Rest in Peace, Munchausen!

At 5/23/2005 9:19 PM, Blogger PositivePaul said...

steps up to microphone, and taps it lightly with index finger, three times for good measure...

Is this on? Can you hear me?

The slight ring of feedback buzzes across the speakers

Okay. Good.

Munchausen was indeed a good friend -- like a twin brother from another brother to me. In fact, it was he who inspired me to take the name "PositivePaul" (though he confused me at first, like so many others do, with that who goes by "Positive Paul" when calling in on the post game show). We used to hang out together all the time, with all our pals over at the PI blog. Even before I saw the "Posted by: Munchausen" I knew I was reading a snarky morsel from the keys of a brilliant and funny guy. You could just tell -- his posts had a certain air about them.

Very clearly do I remember the day of the start of Munchausen's demise. Yes, my initial response to his discovery has been well documented:


"Can you not see that fairy tales in their essence are quite solid and straightforward; but that this everlasting fiction about modern life is in its nature essentially incredible? Folk-lore means that the sould is sane, but that the universe is wild and full of marvels. Realism means that the world is dull and full of routine, but that the soul is sick and screaming."

--GK Chesterton "Tremendous Trifles"

So if we look at baseball, or any sport for that matter, as a pseudo-fairy tale, it helps us to see that we need such lesiure to keep our souls sane. Just like a good fairy tale, there are magnanimous heroes and wretched villains, but the interesting thing about baseball (and any other sport for that matter) is that one person's hero is very likely another person's villain.

We need leisure to keep our perspective, and help launch us into the realm of reality. Not to totally escape from it, but to take respite from it in order to be healed from the sickness and lozenged from the screaming in which our souls partake with being forced into reality.


But the more and more I started thinking about it, the more I started to realize that Munchausen was on to something:


Well, I don't believe Munchausen is entirely wrong. He's on to something for sure, and I definitely believe that the 2004 M's exposed Howard Lincoln's subscription to such a philosophy. Even today they try and paint a picture that isn't entirely real.

Yes, 2.9 million people bought TICKETS last season, but I guarantee you that there were NOT 2.9 million butts in Safeco's seats. Beer, Pizza, and Parking sales were hugely affected, as were the local businesses around Safeco who were dependent on a large portion of those 2.9 million rumps.

Still, I look at Lincoln in a much different light than I did before 2004. He's taking a risk that people are still indeed addicted to M's baseball, which is logical, and actually feeding that addiction. On the one hand, I'm totally thankful that he FINALLY opened up the wallet, but on the other, I can't see how he could have witheld the funds without keeping that addiction fed.

Like Pavlov's dogs, some of us stopped drooling after the lack of fulfilled promises at 2003 trade deadline. This is his way of getting us to drool again, so he can continue ringing the bell and turning the lights on without necessarily having to reward us. The key will be how he handles the trade deadline THIS season if we're close to contention. And, to see how long this fiscal "frenzy" continues.

I like the step forward, I truly do, and that's why I thanked Howard at FanFest. However, I'm not all that convinced that it's a complete turn around for him. After all, he is a successful businessman first and foremost...

That said, Munchausen, there's still good baseball to see in Tacoma (and I'm sure there's some good minor league ball in your neck of the woods too). Minor League ball is where baseball is most pure today. That's why, given the choice, I'd strongly consider season tickets in Tacoma over season tickets in Safeco. All things being equal (i.e. if I lived halfway between the two instead of having Tacoma as a "halfway point" to Seattle), I'd quite possibly choose Tacoma. I love going to Minor League games to see baseball players who are mostly hungry to play the game at their highest level.


I'm sure I'm not the only one that Munchausen has inspired. Unfortunately, by the time he recognized how deeply the disease of the ideology consumed him, it was too late. We gather here today and say a final farewell. Let's all learn a bit from Munchausen, and make sure our priorities are in order. Live a little bit of life each day outside of baseball.

Munchausen, R.I.P.!

At 5/25/2005 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this ideology is all throughout major organizations, not just basball or sports. the coverage of sporting events (ESPN, fox, and all down the line) is all focused on succesfuly selling through hooking you on the action. it seems that the M's have become that big-market team now, like the Yankees, etc...the expect you to come because they know they have you hooked. even their ads; the tone they take is them informing you what's up and what you what to do. the majic of the 95 and 2001 seasons was their novelty, the way they came out of nowhere, with little or no expectations (and dissapointment, with the Griffey injury in '95 and the loss of A-Rod, et al, in '01) and therefore very little "marketability" that the business side of the club could exploit. its always that way. Prospects (like Felix Hernandez) are exciting because of the possibilities he represents, but the franchise will try to sell him as a "fix" for all of us fans. what i love about baseball is that it is slow moving, laid only get so much condensed action when you see a highlight reel, but watching a game is a unique expirience in this super fast-paced age.
So..kudos to Munch for not only seeing the truth of reality and having the guts to take a decisive move to deal with it. may he live long and prosper in the way his blogging carreer did not.

At 5/25/2005 10:23 PM, Blogger Citizen K said...

Gracias, felixfastfreight.

Your comments are appreciated. It is obvious that the ideology of professional sports is very powerful. I was thinking about it this afternoon while catching the first five minutes of a postgame show I have heard this season. There were about two minutes of commentary, followed by ten minutes of ads, then two more minutes of commentary. It's just sickening - and "true" fans will sit there and listen to it all. In the guise of "discussing more information about the team" the broadcasts are actually "selling more products to our 'fans' - AKA our 'captive audience who will listen to our broadcasts no matter what and will allow themselves to be subjected to hour after hour of sales pitches merely in order to satisfy their unrequited emotional bond to their sports heroes.'"

Anyway, thanks for posting - don't be a stranger!

At 8/26/2005 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm positive "Meaningless" isn't a Pearl jam song...


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